1.2 million followers on Instagram, DM’s for booty calls by the dozens, shoutouts on every corner of the internet, and still Amanda felt empty inside every time she looked in the mirror. Well, looking in the mirror is a big statement. After a couple of seconds of eye to eye contact with her reflection, she just had to look away. She was unable to look at herself because she simply didn’t like what she saw.
Even with all that attention on Instagram for Amanda and her #instabooty, she never felt more alone. “If all these people love me, how come I still feel alone and unable to receive that love?” Well, dear Amanda, they don’t love you, they love your #instabooty. In fact, love is the wrong word here. Your followers materialized your #instabooty and, well, to put things as clear as possible: they simply want a piece of that ass. Kinda like how BBQ fanatics obsess over a good ribeye.
Amanda and her 1.2 followers have reached a weird impasse in which both sides try to satisfy a primal hunger and fail miserably. Her followers are ‘hunting’ her #instabooty in a digital way, which might feel just a bit like hunting, but in reality, isn’t. The upside for them is it’s hunting with the training wheels on: they don’t have the risk of getting rejected, and the downside is they will never catch their prey.
Amanda is just out there trying to be loved, and paradoxically she gets everything (well, just a weird digital ‘hunter’ nation that’s too scared too actually catch a prey) except love.
Now, you might not have an #instabooty like Amanda and 1.2 million followers, and you might not be the type of person that’s ‘chasing’ a digital catch, but we someone play the same game Amanda and her followers do:
We show only a fragmented part of ourselves and hope to be loved as a whole.
The perfect picture
Modern day world is hyper-connected, without an actual deep connection. We are in contact with each other 24/7, through dozens of platforms, and these platforms open the doors to a phenomenon that was almost impossible to achieve pre-internet era: we can be who we want. We have become actors. Sure, we act in real life as well, but connections are real and people with just a tiny fraction of awareness know when someone is acting. The Internet has changed that.
The whole concept of how we meet new people and interact with them is completely upside down. In real life, you have to muster up the courage to approach someone who you are interested in. There is the hard fear for rejection, the possibility you say dumb shit, the investment of time and showing up, and so on and so on. But, when there is a click, there is an actual click. You have connected as human beings.
Now, we just spend days on crafting our perfect profile, building a lie we so desperately want to believe in. We open our app and grade each other like pieces of meat. We swipe right if we like what we see, and if they don’t return the favor, it’s no biggy. It hardly feels like rejection and you have 356 options in your queue anyway. You have lost without reaping the benefits of losing and growing from it.
If we post something that doesn’t have the number of likes our previous posts had, we delete it. No one has to notice that tiny part of us that isn’t as popular as we hoped. Click, delete, done. And so, with every piece of ‘ourselves,’ we post and carefully curate, we create the perfect image of who we should be to be ‘loved’ by everyone else. We have created a persona that has the least chance of being rejected. We have shown our ‘true and authentic’ selves to the world and people ‘love’ us for it, except us (because we know it’s a lie).
“If you conform to the status quo everyone likes you, except yourself.” – Rita Mae Brown
The fear of rejection
With all these picture perfect people on the interwebs, everything should be honkey dory, right? All these fantastic people with cutting edge technologies and shiny platform, I mean can it get any better? Well, just open the first viral Facebook post you see and click on the comment section. It’s absolute mayhem. I’m not even talking about political or religious posts, just pick one where someone made a wooden table. The level of hate beyond believes. “How dare he use resin!”
We pretend to be open-minded and loving, but if someone has just a slightly different opinion he gets nailed to the interwebs. Why? Because we aren’t connected out love, we are connected out of fear. We don’t listen to understand, we listen to respond. With everything being super connected, there’s a lot of responding going on. And it isn’t pretty. Peoples ugly sides come out. They say things they would never say in real life. Again, just like the training wheel hunters that ‘chase’ Amanda’s #instabooty, these people express their ‘true’ selves without the actual risk of being held accountable.
“We are not afraid of heights, we are afraid of falling. we are not afraid to say I love you, we are afraid of the answer.” – Kurt Cobain
We choose the way of polarization because it’s safe. If I already reject you, there’s no harm you can do to me. You reject me as well? Big fucking deal. But what if I love you and you reject me? Ouch, that’s a tough spot to be in when you are stuck in a scarcity mindset. Fear is a scarcity mindset. It’s based on the idea that there isn’t enough for everyone. That we have to compete with each other to get that last scrap.
Why are we so scared of things we don’t understand? Why do movies about aliens always end in war? Why does the minority get picked on, even though they were brave enough to show up?
Because in a world of scarcity there’s no room for unconditional love, you can’t afford it. It’s all about me, me, me, in every relationship.
People who have many friends in many places usually just have a lot of ‘employees’. They’re always surrounded by many people, but there’s never a deep connection. These friends are just company so you don’t have to be alone. It’s based on superficial things and when interests shift just a bit the friendship ends.
When you look from a distance it looks like these people are socially very successful, but often times they are just lost and keep company so they don’t have to sit in that awful silence that reminds them of how lost they are. One week they are punk rockers, the next week hippies, always chasing one fad after another.
They seem open-minded, but in reality, they are lost, and by trying to be everything they are nothing at all. They never commit, afraid of missing a better opportunity, and by doing so they miss everything.
Again, this friendship has nothing to do with love, it has to do with other people filling needs they have. It basically is a high form of narcissism where you betray someone who is genuinely interested in friendship. You use their actual love for you as a commonality. A lack of love and fear for rejection fall like a blanket over their entire life.
But, real friendship is a beautiful thing.
People who value real connection and real friendship often have just a few (sometimes just one) good friends and that’s it. You know the type of friendship where you come in without notice, empty the fridge, take a shit, and leave without saying a word. There is no shame, you can be your weird self. It’s all good. These people are perfectly alright with being alone and if they don’t see their friends for a while that’s perfectly fine as well.
These people have high standards and don’t bend easily. They are themselves without compromise, and the beauty is, they don’t have to. When someone in real friendship changes, shifts interests, or develops in an entirely different direction, it’s perfectly fine, the friendship stays the same.
In a commonality driven ‘friendship’, the dynamics of change are way different. If you change, develop yourself or whatever, your not my friend anymore. Not because you are not good enough, but because you scare me. You make me doubt my truth and I can’t have that. Therefore you must go. I will soothe myself by saying how you have changed, that you are living in a dream world, but all I’m saying is “Stop making me question my own reality. Deep inside I know my reality is built on a weak foundation and you changing directions might just collapse the damn thing.”
A lack of love
With everything being more internet based, we forget what unconditional love is. No wonder, since we can build a false persona of ourselves, of what we want people to believe we are. And so, people love just a fraction of us. They love our shiny and perfect profile. They love that we wake up with a fully styled face and they love that our shit smells like roses if we even shit at all.
And so people walk around with a twisted idea of what and who other people are, but when they finally meet the full human being, they get disappointed. Soon they realize little miss perfect looks like a mess when she wakes up in the morning and needs at least an hour to make herself presentable. To make matters even worse, the bathroom is a hazardous place for at least 45 minutes when they dumped big ol’ number 2 down the drain.
And who is this grumpy guy on the couch that’s too lazy to get up and get you a drink? Where’s the Superman part you saw on all his profiles? Wait, what? He can’t keep a conversation going for more than 5 minutes, and he’s seeing a psychiatrist as well? Fuck this shit, this isn’t what you signed up for! I want my mister perfect!
So you break up again, back on the interwebs to find the next mister or miss perfect, because as it turns out, this one was broken and ain’t nobody got time for that shit. Or maybe you are the negotiable type: “If you do X I will love you”. But, that’s not love, that’s a business deal.
Even some parents ‘love’ their children to a certain extent. There’s an agenda. Their kids are merely fulfilling a job. If the child doesn’t meet the standards of the parents, they are simply not good enough. The child simply becomes an extension of the perfect persona they try to achieve, just like the newest Mercedes model on the driveway.
All these examples of a lack of love are just fear in disguise. When I’m fearful I create duality. I create a distance. I create a world in which it’s me vs you. It’s a world in which I ‘love’ you just because you can make my perfect picture prettier, and the change of rejection less. It’s like dating the cool guy in high school not because you love him, but because he made you cooler.
Love in this sense is just another word for a job. I’m ‘connected’ with you so you can fulfill a need that I have. If that need, whatever that may be, disappears or changes, it’s adios amigos.
A lack of love is a universal consequence of the hype we all fell into. Because we only see the shiny and perfect things, we believe perfection is a realistic standard for life. If something seems just a bit out of the ordinary, we abandon ship. We believe something is wrong because we only signed up for the shiny part. We believe love is as easy as a swipe right on perfectly crafted profiles.
This is the only love worthy of the name love. It’s the type of love that is unexplainable. Asking someone why they love their wife is a silly question. It’s a soul thing, you can’t explain it with your mind.
When I love you unconditional, there is an opportunity to really connect. To have soul to soul contact. A moment in which the two of us realize that we are all one. Who cares if you believe in one god and I in another? Who cares if our political views contradict?
If I love you for everything you are, that means I go beyond the surface. It means I have empathy for you. I respect you for everything you are. All the beauty, and here’s where the perfect hype goes wrong, all the ‘ugliness’ that is a part of your whole being. I realize you are not what you portrait to be. You are so much more beyond that. If I love you for who you are, I can see beyond the pain, the confusion, the tears, and the trauma. If I love you for who you are I am a place where you can be can express your entire authenticity. It’s all good.
Unconditional love is the love that understands it’s not all fairytales and unicorns. It’s that love that knows that if you have been in a long relationship, trials and tribulations, happiness and sorrow, good times and bad, understanding the other and forgiveness, are part of the holistic game. It’s the love that understands that if the branches want to reach into heaven, the roots have to dig deep into hell.
It’s the love that says “even though I disagree with you right now and you’re making me mad, I still love you, no matter what.” That is true love without any condition.
When you love unconditionally you are able to withstand the storm. You are at ease, enjoy every moment and have a grounded faith that tells you everything will work out. When all is love it doesn’t matter what the other one is. Religion, politics, sexuality, gender, race, it’s all obsolete. No matter what you are I love you. Why shouldn’t I love you? Sounds easy, right?
But, it all won’t work if you don’t…
Love yourself first. To be able to love you unconditionally, I have to love myself unconditionally. I have to leave fear behind. I have to look myself deep in the eyes in the mirror and feel joy, a smile and be able to say “hey sexy mofo, I love you!”.
Because if you don’t, it simply won’t work. You stay trapped in a fearful and scarce state and keep trying to avoid rejection. You keep perfecting your persona, both on- and offline and keep believing what you see. Deep down you feel like a cheat while everyone looks like they’ve got it all figured out and so your spiral keeps going down.
It keeps going down because you don’t love yourself for who you are. You feel like you aren’t good enough and try to be perfect. Because you care what others think, you struggle with the construct of self, and you can’t live with the fact that people don’t like you for who you are. You are a control freak and simply can’t live with the fact that who you are isn’t good enough for the other person. It’s because you value instant gratification above the long run. It’s because you rather live a convenient lie than the hard truth.
However, what other people think of you is none of your goddamn business! It says more about the other than about you if they reject you for who you truly are. These people that reject you live in a bubble, a construct of the fattest lie. They surround themselves with fakeness, so they don’t have to deal with the fact that deep inside they don’t love themselves.
But, why pretend you are someone else then you are? Why accept a lack of love, why become a commonality for a ‘friend’, why merely serve as a means to an end?
If you are living in love, you are vibrating on a completely different level as when you are vibrating on a fearful frequency. We are all senders and receivers and the station you are vibing on creates your life.
The unconditional lovers dive into the depths of the ocean because they have trust. The fearful stay in the same place, because they fear the water will be acidic. They want to keep things the same. But, they miss the concept of the whole universe: everything is chaos and in constant motion. Yet they cling on to what is with everything they have, and so they slowly fade away while forcing ‘love’.
The unconditional lovers forgive and have a pure soul. The fearful keep a grudge that will fester on the inside, just because they don’t have the capacity to forgive.
The challenge is to find love for another person beyond the obvious. To recognize them for who they really are. To say “no matter what you are, I will love you beyond that for who you are”. This creates a space in time in which we truly connect behind the programs, the masks and the facades that control our everyday life. This creates a moment in time and space in which we can enjoy each others company without saying a word.
When it comes to true connection there’s just one kind of love that matters: unconditional love and that starts with unconditional love for yourself.
Photo by luizclas