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I first came across the concept of a NOW page through the amazing Derek Sivers. Usually there is an about page on a site with a short piece of copy which took a week to write and reads more like a summary from what has happened in the past. Nice as a reminder, but not really all that interesting. The NOW page is a completely other concept and is just a space where I get to answer in all honesty the question; ‘hey man, what’s going on, what you been up to’. So here’s my first attempt to a NOW page.
So, what is going on? A lot of things but not music. Wait what, no music? Nope, no music at all. So is this goodbye? Probably not, but then again maybe it is. Time will tell. All I know for now is I stepped away from it because I didn’t enjoy it anymore. Making music is a creative outlet for me, and lately, I felt more like a factory working banging out one record after the other rather than feeling like a passionate musician. I used to sit down in the morning and work till late, not seeing the daylight and forgetting to eat because I was in a state of flow. Lately I sat down behind the computer and was done with it within 30 minutes. ‘I have a writers block’, ‘Today is just not my day’ where things I said but the sad truth is the passion was gone. But how come? Do I need to start all over with a new alias? Many believe I should but I tend to disagree. So what happened?
What happened is the goal I set for myself many moons ago isn’t what I want at all. The goal was to make a living making music. Sounds pretty good when you hear that right? ‘I make a living making music’, but it’s not really what I want at all. Certain aspects jump in which takes away from my authenticity as a music producer and I believe this type of creating kills creativity and passion. And that’s what happened to me. I started accepting remixes I didn’t really want to do but hey it paid the bills. Started selling ghost productions cause hey, it’s another payday. Trying to get with certain labels because it looks good on my resumé. Trying to release X amount of tracks to keep the momentum going. All well and cool but the fun was gone. So I had to step away from it all. Step back and refocus on what’s really important to me and find out why I do what I do. And right now music is not important at all.
So is this goodbye? I can’t answer this right now. I sometimes sit in the studio to write a record but tend to step away pretty quick again. Not feeling it today. One part of my wants to say ‘NO’, this not goodbye, while another part whispers ‘walk away’. What’s important for me is my family and doing things I really enjoy. I’m looking for a job right now, not because I have to, but because I want to. New things, new people, new possibilities. Hell, maybe it even means I get back into the music. Working a job leaves plenty of room to create music and it creates an environment in which I can create without any pressure to make money from it, which brings it back to the fundamentals of making music, which is having fun in the process and being truly authentic without any holdbacks.
So while I write this on a rainy Saturday night in a small village in the North of The Netherlands I can say all is well. Life is dynamic and when change knocks on your door open up. If you want to follow my journey, please visit www.dennisstoelwinder.com on which I started writing about everything else that interests me outside of music. If you want to know if and when I’m back in the studio sign up below for the newsletter. Maybe you’ll hear from me soon, maybe never again. Anyway, thanks for reading. Feel free to reach out to me if I can help in any way. Happy to hear from you. Stay awesome.
Last updated on 25 october 2017